We Don't Have A Joke Thread....Here's One!!

[balsum fractus]

An oldie, but still true: 

Tools and their uses

DRILL PRESS:  A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:  Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW:  A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:  Used to round off bolt heads.  Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:  An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:  One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:  Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:  Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:  A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:  Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:  A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:  A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:  Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:  A tool for opening paint cans Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:  A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:  A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:  Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:  Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.  Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:  (A personal favourite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B1TCH! ' at the top of your lungs.  It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Onepoint]

I seem to have properly applied every single one.

[jetmex]

Me, too!  More than once!   

[stetto]

I have a virtual arsenal of assault hammers strategically placed about my home. I occasionally use them as stud finders when not in use as a home defense tool.

And when the .gov bans them, I intend to lose them in a tragic boating 🚢 accident...😁

[jetmex]

Several dozen people attended mime school.  They were never heard from again...

I have a virtual arsenal of assault hammers

As long as they're not fully automatic assault hammers, you should be just fine....

[jetmex]

Last night Jill and Joe Biden went to a steakhouse for dinner. Jill says, "I will have the petite filet medium rare with a baked potato with sour cream and butter." The waiter asks, "What about your vegetable?" Jill replies, "Oh, he will have the same."...

[Onepoint]

An Irish aviator was getting worried being overdue, and not being able to find the air base in rapidly deteriorating weather.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you direct me to the nearest air base,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds broke, and the sun shone brightly on a large air base below.
Without hesitation, the aviator said,"Never mind, I found one."

Happy St Patricks Day!!

[Onepoint]

So I hear

[wtxsflyr]

Yep, but that's a juvenile Texas skeeter!

[balsum fractus]

That's a  larvae up north of here !!!

[balsum fractus]

Why should you never mention the number 288 in polite company??
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It's two gross!

[balsum fractus]

Advice from An Old Farmer

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life... Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around..
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

[jetmex]

Do people who drive electric cars listen to AC/DC or do they prefer something more current?