We Don't Have A Joke Thread....Here's One!!

[stetto]

We Americans think we got it bad, what with the "virus du election cycle" is getting good and ginned up to generate panic and tax revenue theft. But the rest of the world is also aggrieved:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to the recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastard." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."

So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[Frazz]

Are the people in China who are checking people for Corona called "Chinese Checkers"?

[balsum fractus]

A blonde walks into a bar....

"Ow....that hurt!"

[Frazz]

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks did you get the money for nothing and the chicks for free?

[balsum fractus]

Okay.....that there is funny!!!

[Frazz]

So, I was cooking last night and got mad at the colander.  You guessed it, I strained my voice.

[Onepoint]

What did 50cent do when he got hungry




58

[Onepoint]

Someone threw a bottle of Omega3 capsules at me.  I suffered super fish oil injuries, but was lucky I wasn't krilled.

[Onepoint]

They have a toothless Grizzly at the zoo.

Biggest gummy bear you will ever see.

[Onepoint]

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?


Add spring water.

[balsum fractus]

A well-to-do man decided he wanted to get into horse racing. Without doing a lot of research he bought a horse online, and entered it in a race. The horse was out of the gate first, and leading the pack into the corner. Instead of turning, the horse kept going straight and crashed into the wall, knocking himself out.
"Strange" thought the man " perhaps being out front, the horse got so excited it forgot to turn...."

He enter the horse in a second race. The same thing happened.
"Very strange" thought the man "perhaps the horse needs some practice"

So he rented the race track, and had his trainer walk the horse around the track several times, in hopes that the horse would get familiar with the track, and learn where the corners were.
He entered the horse in a third race. As before, the horse kept going straight, and crashed into the wall.
"Exceedingly strange" thought the man, "I'd better get some professional advice...."

He contacted the nations foremost horse psychologist, and had him flown out to his ranch in Wyoming. The psychologist examined the horse, and performed several tests to determine the horses capabilities. This lasted several hours..

Finally, the exam was finished, and the man anxiously asked the doctor what his recommendation was.

"Well,sir" replied the horse psychologist, " I have not seen too many cases like this, but fortunately, the cure is fairly simple. You need to put an ounce of lead behind the horse's left ear"

"That's all I have to do?" exclaimed the man, " how do I do that?"

"With a gun."











😂😅😄😃😂

[Onepoint]

I have been diagnosed with a fear of giants,

Feefiphobia.

[Frazz]

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

[balsum fractus]

Where do you keep your dogs?
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In the Barking Lot!

[Onepoint]

I got a new pair of gloves today, they were both lefts.

On one hand they are great, on the other they are just not right.