We Don't Have A Joke Thread....Here's One!!

[Frazz]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday

"Aye, matey!"

[balsum fractus]

First day working with my Dad as a young lad helping him build a shed. At the end of a long, hot day, he said " I must say, you hammer like lightning!"

I was pretty proud that he had recognized my efforts.

"Yeah," he continued, " you seldom strike twice in the same place!"

[balsum fractus]

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=4360268457324485&id=809657649052268&ref=content_filter

[Onepoint]

I walked in and my wife, slightly drunk, was yelling at the TV, " Don't go in there, don't go in the church you moron!"


She is watching our wedding video again.

[jetmex]

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

This means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Biden's Presidential run. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

[jetmex]

A friend of mine moved into an igloo.  Everything went just fine until the house warming....

[balsum fractus]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the reception, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
'Impossible!' said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!'

And the best man says: "Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!"

[Onepoint]

If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

[Onepoint]

I inadvertently wore a red shirt to Target.  Long story short, I cover for Debbie tomorrow.

[jetmex]

Two people stole a calendar and got caught.  They each got six months.

[Frazz]

What did Cinderella say when here photos didn't arrive on time?

Someday my prints will come.

[Frazz]

It's Christmas time, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader chance upon each other.

Darth Vader says to Obi-Wan, "Luke is getting a football for Christmas."

"How do you know?" replies Obi-Wan, "Is it the Force?"

"No. I have felt his presents."

[Frazz]

DeLorean for Sale:
Only used from time to time.

[Onepoint]

"Remember how when you were little and you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?  Yeah..., I need bail money"

[Onepoint]

Best line I heard today despite the harsh language

Native Coloradoan talking about the CA transplants that ruined the state. 

"I can see why all the CA people keep coming here, because apparently you can't get a good blow job there anymore since all the cocksuckers moved here"