We Americans think we got it bad, what with the "virus du election cycle" is getting good and ginned up to generate panic and tax revenue theft. But the rest of the world is also aggrieved:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to the recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastard." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."
So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Are the people in China who are checking people for Corona called "Chinese Checkers"?
A blonde walks into a bar....
"Ow....that hurt!"
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks did you get the money for nothing and the chicks for free?
Okay.....that there is funny!!!
So, I was cooking last night and got mad at the colander. You guessed it, I strained my voice.
:icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol:
What did 50cent do when he got hungry
58
Someone threw a bottle of Omega3 capsules at me. I suffered super fish oil injuries, but was lucky I wasn't krilled.
They have a toothless Grizzly at the zoo.
Biggest gummy bear you will ever see.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
A well-to-do man decided he wanted to get into horse racing. Without doing a lot of research he bought a horse online, and entered it in a race. The horse was out of the gate first, and leading the pack into the corner. Instead of turning, the horse kept going straight and crashed into the wall, knocking himself out.
"Strange" thought the man " perhaps being out front, the horse got so excited it forgot to turn...."
He enter the horse in a second race. The same thing happened.
"Very strange" thought the man "perhaps the horse needs some practice"
So he rented the race track, and had his trainer walk the horse around the track several times, in hopes that the horse would get familiar with the track, and learn where the corners were.
He entered the horse in a third race. As before, the horse kept going straight, and crashed into the wall.
"Exceedingly strange" thought the man, "I'd better get some professional advice...."
He contacted the nations foremost horse psychologist, and had him flown out to his ranch in Wyoming. The psychologist examined the horse, and performed several tests to determine the horses capabilities. This lasted several hours..
Finally, the exam was finished, and the man anxiously asked the doctor what his recommendation was.
"Well,sir" replied the horse psychologist, " I have not seen too many cases like this, but fortunately, the cure is fairly simple. You need to put an ounce of lead behind the horse's left ear"
"That's all I have to do?" exclaimed the man, " how do I do that?"
"With a gun."
😂😅😄😃😂
I have been diagnosed with a fear of giants,
Feefiphobia.
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"
Where do you keep your dogs?
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In the Barking Lot!
I got a new pair of gloves today, they were both lefts.
On one hand they are great, on the other they are just not right.
What's the 1st rule of Vegan fight club?
Tell everyone about Vegan fight club.
:icon_lol:
Have you heard the joke about the cure for the corona virus...?
It's a riot.
"What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"
Drew Carey's best one liner: " yes, like steak sauce in India, the points don't matter."
What do they call the first beautiful, warm sunny day after three solid days of cold, snotty rain in Minnesota?
Monday...
I was in the McDonald's drive-through the other morning and the young lady behind me honked at me; very upset because I was taking too long to pay. "Wow. Take the high road," I thought to myself. So, I paid for her food too.
As I moved up, she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I had paid for her food order. She felt embarrassed.
When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too. I paid for it - it was mine!
Now she has to go back through the line again and wait even longer. She's gonna learn today you just don't mess with us old people.
A mime broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested.
He still has his right to remain silent.
What song do romantic fish sing?
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Salmon-chanted evening
What do sardines call a submarine??
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A can of people
😅😂
A bald eagle's health was failing, so zookeeper Emma was hired to look after it.
The funding came from an ill eagle Emma grant....
DR: "Relax David, its just a minor surgery"
Patient: "But my name isn't David?!"
DR: "I know, I'm David"
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
Have you all noticed, that since beauty salons are closed, selfies are down 89%?
An Italian Boy's Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"
My wife wanted to enter the Spring Baking Championship.
So I bought her a box of springs and said , "Have at it!"
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday
"Aye, matey!"
First day working with my Dad as a young lad helping him build a shed. At the end of a long, hot day, he said " I must say, you hammer like lightning!"
I was pretty proud that he had recognized my efforts.
"Yeah," he continued, " you seldom strike twice in the same place!"
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=4360268457324485&id=809657649052268&ref=content_filter
I walked in and my wife, slightly drunk, was yelling at the TV, " Don't go in there, don't go in the church you moron!"
She is watching our wedding video again.
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."
This means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Biden's Presidential run. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
A friend of mine moved into an igloo. Everything went just fine until the house warming....
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the reception, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
'Impossible!' said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!'
And the best man says: "Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!"
If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
I inadvertently wore a red shirt to Target. Long story short, I cover for Debbie tomorrow.
Two people stole a calendar and got caught. They each got six months.
What did Cinderella say when here photos didn't arrive on time?
Someday my prints will come.
It's Christmas time, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader chance upon each other.
Darth Vader says to Obi-Wan, "Luke is getting a football for Christmas."
"How do you know?" replies Obi-Wan, "Is it the Force?"
"No. I have felt his presents."
DeLorean for Sale:
Only used from time to time.
"Remember how when you were little and you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny? Yeah..., I need bail money"
Best line I heard today despite the harsh language
Native Coloradoan talking about the CA transplants that ruined the state.
"I can see why all the CA people keep coming here, because apparently you can't get a good blow job there anymore since all the cocksuckers moved here" :icon_lol:
Don't believe anything you read on public restroom walls. Sharon is not up for a good time.
What an awkward phone call that was.
"What's the best song to play while cooking a turkey?" "All about that baste."
"Knock knock!" "Who's there?" "Norma Lee." "Norma Lee who?" "Norma Lee I don't drink eat this much!"
"What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?" "The casse-role."
"Why did the cranberries turn red?" "Because they saw the turkey dressing."
"My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I said I couldn't quit cold turkey."
You can shake your head, but you have to smile at the creativity....
https://youtu.be/i_EoeTLF6Tc
Times are tough, so once again I will be selling nudes of myself
5$ to get one
25$ not to get one
Oh my!
A weasel walked into a bar. Bartender says "I have never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop" goes the weasel.
"Well, here is your problem." the doctor says to the first time father.
"It seems that this child needs a diaper change."
The new father then replies "but I swear, that package said it was good for 8-10 lbs."
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eye.
I now have Heinzsight.
If I miss my afternoon nap, does that mean that I am resisting a rest??
He's baaaaaaaaack! For those of you who are "Far Side" fans, Gary Larsen has started a website sharing his iconic cartoons......
https://www.thefarside.com/
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
I searched for a lighter on Amazon, all I could find was 401 matches.
After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open, we finally got the ball rolling.
:icon_lol:
Not to cause anyone dismay, but did you know that if you live to be 70 years old you've spent ten years of it on MONDAY??!!??
People are usually shocked when they find out that I am not a very good electrician....
Just burned 2,500 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
:icon_smile:
:eusa_think:
(https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/09-Short-Jokes-Anyone-Can-Remember-nicole-fornabaio-rd.com_-1024x683.jpg?fit=696,464)
A rancher counted 97 head of cattle out on the range....
But when he rounded them up, he had 100!
Ha, more truuf to that than I can count. :disturbed:
How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house....
When does a joke become a Dad joke? When it becomes apparent...
How do you get a country girl to like you? A tractor....
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
(http://thehotpepper.com/uploads/monthly_05_2021/post-12393-0-15921400-1621262010.jpg)
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
That's about as bad as the one I heard a while back, "FL man was arrested for playing music in the street, he was charged with sax trafficking."
Whats the difference between a rabbit and a plum?
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They are both purple, except the rabbit!
🤣😂🤣😂☺️
I bet that one gets funnier and funnier the deeper the night gets in margaritas. :icon_lol:
You will have to let me know.....🤣
Meanwhile, here is another one:
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
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................A FSH !
So apparently, the company that makes yardsticks is not going to be making them any longer.
I remember the 1st time I saw a universal remote, I thought, well this changes everything.
Father O'Malley was a priest in a small rural community. The river that ran through the community was beginning to flood, and residents were ordered to evacuate.
"Come with us...save yourself" cried the local parishioners.
"Save yourselves" replied Father O'Malley " the Lord will save me."
The parishioners left. The river rose steadily. Father O'Malley found himself on the porch ankle deep in flood water when a a man came by in a row boat.
"Jump in Father!" The man exclaimed, " I'll save you!"
"Go save someone else.." Father O'Malley replied " the Lord will save me!"
The man in the boat rowed away. The flood waters continued to rise. Father O'Malley climbed up on the top of the roof of the church, just barely above the churning flood waters.
A Coast Guard rescue boat roared up.
"Jump in Father," the crew cried " we'll save you!"
"Go save someone else" the Father replied, " the Lord will save me!"
The rescue boat roared away. The waters continued to rise. Father O'Malley clung to the very top of the church steeple, with the swirling flood waters lapping at his feet.
A rescue helicopter appeared overhead and lowered a rope.
"Grab the rope Father!" The crew exclaimed, "we'll save you!"
" go save someone else" Father replied, " the Lord will save me"
The helicopter left; the flood water continued to rise, and Father O'Malley drowned............
...a short while later, a very soggy Father O'Malley arrives at the Pearly Gates.
"I must speak with the Lord" he exclaimed to St Peter....
"I imagine you do," replied St Peter, " He has being expecting you..."
In the presence of the Lord, Father O'Malley begins his plea.....
" Oh Lord, I have dedicated my whole life to serving you. Why did you let me drown?"
"You idiot!" Replied the Lord " I sent two boats and a helicopter, and you wouldn't get on!"
A husband walked into the bedroom to find his wife packing a suitcase.
He asked, "what are you doing?"
She replied "I'm moving to New York City. They pay prostitutes there $400 to do what I do for you for nothing!"
The husband starts packing his suitcase.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
He replied, "With you", I want to see you live on $800 a year."
hide the tea :icon_biggrin:
What is Forrest Gump's password ?
1Forrest1
😄😄🙄
I bet they are wily
Slightly NSFW
What's the worst thing a girl could possibly hear while giving Willie Nelson oral sex?
"I'm not Willie Nelson"
Its been a while for this thread, but this one made me laugh
An oldie but goodie
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Dougboy died yesterday in Minneapolis of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Dougboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Dougboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota., Dougboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not regarded as a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and served as a positive roll model for millions.
Dougboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 degrees for about 20 minutes
Hey Honcho!!
https://youtu.be/m_MaJDK3VNE
An oldie, but still true:
Tools and their uses
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favourite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B1TCH! ' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
I seem to have properly applied every single one.
Me, too! More than once! :icon_mrgreen:
I have a virtual arsenal of assault hammers strategically placed about my home. I occasionally use them as stud finders when not in use as a home defense tool.
And when the .gov bans them, I intend to lose them in a tragic boating 🚢 accident...😁
Several dozen people attended mime school. They were never heard from again...
QuoteI have a virtual arsenal of assault hammers
As long as they're not fully automatic assault hammers, you should be just fine....
Last night Jill and Joe Biden went to a steakhouse for dinner. Jill says, "I will have the petite filet medium rare with a baked potato with sour cream and butter." The waiter asks, "What about your vegetable?" Jill replies, "Oh, he will have the same."...
An Irish aviator was getting worried being overdue, and not being able to find the air base in rapidly deteriorating weather.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you direct me to the nearest air base,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds broke, and the sun shone brightly on a large air base below.
Without hesitation, the aviator said,"Never mind, I found one."
Happy St Patricks Day!!
So I hear
Yep, but that's a juvenile Texas skeeter!
That's a larvae up north of here !!!
Why should you never mention the number 288 in polite company??
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It's two gross!
Advice from An Old Farmer
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life... Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around..
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.
Do people who drive electric cars listen to AC/DC or do they prefer something more current?
My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her...
Instead I just swam for the surface...
Kinda reminds of the one that goes
"My wife made a gesture by opening the car door for me, might have been better if we weren't doing 70 at the time."
I don't know if you have seen this yet, but Jeep made a good one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FimJ6_kTiCk
Let the groaning begin! :icon_mrgreen:
I invented a thought controlled air freshener. People say it's ridiculous, but it makes scents when you think about it.
I asked my doctor if I could administer my own anesthesia.
He said, "Sure. Knock yourself out...." :disturbed:
I used cryptocurrency to pay for my cryotherapy. Now I'm broke because they froze my assets...
That's just cold man. :icon_lol:
What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction...