Fubar tools

[balsum fractus]

A version of this was posted on RCO many, many years ago....still hilarious, and unfortunately, still true today.....


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, Crap!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

TUBING CUTTER:
A tool used to make tubes too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.

X-ACTO KNIFE (also see UTILITY KNIFE):
Similar in function to WIRE WHEEL - removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers. Has added benefit of removing adjacent portions of
skin on which fingerprints and calluses form.

SUPER GLUE (see also CA)
Instant adhesive for attaching model to work bench and/or fingers, for
attaching clothes to skin and gluing hinges together when inserting plastic
hinge strips.

HOT WIRE.
Primitive device for converting foam stock into scrap.

WOOD PLANE
Most commonly used to test the bench-vice's ability to hold the work-piece.

CHUCK KEY.
Mythical tool. Has yet to be seen, Existence has yet to be proven.

JIGSAW:
Device for cutting into the edges of tabletops.

DREMEL CUTOFF WHEELS.
For testing the effectiveness of eye-protection.

PAINT.
Used primarily to destroy any illusion the assumed dust-free status of any
given workshop.

FLIES.
Devices provided by nature for detecting freshly painted models.

WHISKEY.
The antidote to all the above

PVA: Water based substance used to degrade the surface quality of any
nicely-polished plug or mold.

AIRBRUSH: A badly-cleaned device used to spit all kinds of annoying splats
of paint onto a nicely-decorated model.

CAB-O-SIL: A handy white powder used to determine if you have sensitive &
easily-irritated nasal passages. Can also be used to get detained at an
airport on the idea that you are carrying cocaine powder.

ANGLE GRINDER: Used to grind more stuff away than was originally required.

LATHE KEY: That metal bit that just impaled itself in someone ten meters
away when you turned on the lathe.

LATHE: Primitive device used to spin all kinds of stuff to crazy high
speeds. Also used to test the effectiveness of clothes against small, rapid
moving projectiles - metal shavings or similar.

ORGANIZING CABINETS: See "Harry Potter-Vanishing Cabinet". More normal name,
but used for the same purpose of losing stuff very quickly.

[Onepoint]

Heh, an oldie but a goodie. 

[stetto]

Huh, where'd those guys go anyway...? I go to the *ugh* universe and recognize NOBODY.

[balsum fractus]

There are still a few old timers kicking around -Terry (TLH101), Ed Moorman, Jerry Festa come to mind -  but they are well out numbered by new faces.....